A Song and a Reflection of Surrender

Over the last several weeks God has been breaking me of alot of things in my life that have caused me weariness. The main part of this is control. Yesterday, God brought me to my knees where I found honesty, love, and humility... a good thing to find surrender. It was all based on this song that follows. I hope that my reflection is a blessing to God and you as its hard to see, but there is already good coming from the overflow of my brokenness (next post will explain). I think us as people, especially women, get caught up in controlling things that it slowly takes away the joy of what we are doing...even good things.

"Control" --JJ Heller

The cut is deep, but never deep enough for me.

It doesn't hurt enough to make me forget

One moment of relief is never long enough

to keep the voices in my head

From stealing my peace

Oh, control--it's time to let you go.

Perfection has a price

But I cannot afford to live that life

It always ends the same; a fight I never win.

Oh, control--it's time to let you go.

I'm letting go of the illusion

I'm letting go of the confusion

I can't carry it another step

I close my eyes and take a breath

I'm letting go.

There were scars before my scars

Love written on the hands that hung the stars

Hope living in the blood that was spilled for me.

Control- it's time to let you go.

I will allow God to bring about things but never enough that it hurts. I believe I have it all together and there's not anything THAT bad that I need to deal with. That initial probe from God is all I allow and it gives me enough relief to put it away again, but its still there. It's still draining me and costing me so much. I have changed nothing but have fooled myself into thinking I'm joyful, peaceful, and worthy. Then I try to give to others but only out of my own strength that is already lacking and weary. I've got to let you go control.

Because of my need for control I ahve allowed myself to think that I am not in need of grace. That if I do good things, that's enough. That's wrong and here's what its costing me: my relationship with David, my joy and fun with Matthew, many friends, my peace and joy, my strength, my clarity. I feel as though I fight against all odds for everyone else but always am fighting a battle within myself that I never allow anyone to touch, God or anyone else, because I have believed I've got it all figured out. If I had it together, then why does my heart hurt so bad? Why can I not cut loose, relax, feel peace for the first time in a long time? You've got to go control, but it hurts deep to let that go because I don't know that territory and I can't plan for it. Faith is required and absolutely necessary now if I'm going to win this fight.

I'm letting go of the illusion that I'm better than everyone, that I don't need people--people to be a deep part of my soul where it is ugly and not put together. I need to allow people to be waht I am always to them. I'm letting go of the confusion that is only from the devil and steals my peace. I'm letting go of the voices that tell me I'm not a good mom, that David deserves better and wish sometimes that I didn't have any responsibilities because I can't do them well on my own without God. I'd rather loose my everything than just to let go of my expectations and foolishness. I'm weary and it's got  to change today or I'll loose it and spend my time in guilt, resentment and lonely. And God is bigger than this....let go!!

You, Jesus, have paved the way. You are slowly making your way back into the depths of my heart. I prayed for this and I thought it happened but I only fooled myself again. I need Your hope and blood to forgive me and carry me into this territory that is scary and new to me. Don't allow me to fool myself again because You are wisdom and truth and never changing. Control, you are ruining my soul, my life, my heart. You've got to go and God you've got to help me let go. Break me now I pray. Amen.