The Game of Comparison

Oh, this one is a fun one...and a constant game I like to entertain my unfocused, undisciplined, needy mind with sometimes. This weekend...was one of those.

I think I was just tired, but I got trapped in this game of comparison and didn't want to let myself out of it. Until last night when I got my focus back, my heart in the right place, and laughed at myself for being so petty. Do you have those times when your mind is weak and it just seems to all go to hell?!?!? Okay, good I'm not the only one...here's your "Being a Woman" card.

How does this game look in my mind? I'm fat, flabby, behind, overwhelmed, not good enough, lazy, not doing enough for Matthew's development, not keeping my house spotless, and not being the sexy wife David needs. (Note: I have processed all these things already, so now I get to laugh at myself when I see what I thought).  When I was training for my triathlon I was training about 2-2.5 hours a day. Well, now that's its done I'm not doing that much. In my mind, I feel like I'm blowing up like a balloon because quantity=quality in my exercise. Exercise, besides a good glass of wine, is the only form of stress relief for me that truly works. When I don't exercise, which was last week, it really causes alot of stress and blah feelings to come up.

I also then begin to compare myself to others. They look skinnier and had a kid or two, I'm not as bad as them, I am working harder than them, etc. (Remember, this blog is intended for honesty so yes, I have those thoughts).  I then let it seep into other things, we don't have enough stuff, money, things for Matthew, fanciness, glam and glitter. On Saturday, David and I went out on a date and had the most amazing time. And at that point I realized, that I have everything I need. We discussed our struggles with being young, professional adults and how we "want" but don't always "need". But then we don't want to be too old to have some things to enjoy when we finally decide to get them.

But what I realized was David looked back at me with trust, respect and admiration. We talked about our dreams and goals and he supported and shared a passion for what I wanted to do. We laughed, and that might be the most important thing. I realized that I AM that sexy wife he always wanted and he loves me for who I am, not what I look like, what I can be, or what I was....just because of me.

On Sunday I spent time with my son...in my filthy house...and he ran to hug me over the clothes on the floor, toys spread all around, dirty dishes all on the counter, and fur balls on the floor rolling like tumble weeds in the desert. He loved me regardless and just wanted my attention and my love. These other things can't give me the kind of satisfaction and love that I get from spending time with my little boy.

So, do I compare myself and have pity party's for myself? You betcha. Do I realize I'm a child of a king, loved by many, cherished by my family, and as healthy as I can be for today? Today, I do. And I find myself there and its a good place to be. The devil really tries to get us to get off focus, but praise God for second chances, 3 mile runs, and 2 good looking boys in my life that can turn it all around.