Fears and the "What Ifs?"

So I think I had forgotten how much of a worrier I become when I'm pregnant. Of course, I think I thought that the second one, I would know what to expect, I know everything turns out okay, and ultimately worry doesn't help anything (one HUGE lesson Matthew taught me). But here I am worrying. Honestly I don't consider myself a worrier or a person who is fearful. But there is one thing in life that can trump all those things and turn me into a nervous Nelly....the unknown.

Some history...

When I was about 14 weeks along with Matthew we were in the emergency room with a significant bleeding issue. The doctor termed it "a threatened miscarriage" and set us up for an ultrasound. At the ultrasound the technician said "Do you want to see your baby?" Not knowing if I did or not I looked up to David and he gave me the protective "Do it" nod. Gratefully we saw Matthew jumping and moving (I still cling to that moment as a time of God's lesson in faithfulness, provision and grace).
We were sent home for 4 days for me to rest and follow up with my doctor and were told that they were not sure if the pregnancy would last. Those were some long days but I  know that it happened for a reason and obviously we were blessed with a healthy, VERY active little boy.

Fast forward...

Last night I think the devil really got a hold of my mind...which is easy to do at 2am!!  (Darn pregnancy potty breaks in the middle of the night). At this point, I've only felt flutters of movement, nothing that can be felt with your hand and I know we have a strong heartbeat that we heard only a few weeks ago. But because I Don't Know then I began to worry and wonder "What if...Jellybean's ok, I'm doing everything right for eating and nutrition, am I doing too much, do I need to rest more, do I need to change...how can I be the best shelter for my little one??? 

For those of you that have had kids know that there is an immediate love for your child, even before you see them with your own eyes. And as much love I feel for Matthew and Jellybean, there is even more of a sense of protection for them. And I think that went overboard last night. I believe I allowed my creative juices to take over and to keep me from the truth that I know. Which is....God is faithful in the past, present and future. By worrying I steal time away from focusing myself on Him and His purposes for Jellybean and me. I do not know what will happen, but I know I have right now and I will do all that I can TODAY to make Jellybean comfortable and healthy. Everything else, I do not have any control over so I relinquish that over to whoever wants it.

It's no walk in the park being a mom, but I wouldn't trade any lessons, tears, joys, or crisis for anything else in the world. God truly does bless you through your children and I feel as though they are rays of sunshine shown down on my life to grow me, love me and show me that my life has purpose and meaning. God entrusted me with two lives now and for that I can't ask for more....what an honor!!!